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Wading through moronic molassas
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Rex recently was trying to solve a problem with one of his many computers - an aged machine that he fondly likes to refer to as "grampsware," you know, old enough that no one is really taking care of it but young enough that it's still fun and isn't ready to be euthanized. So he's trying to find a way to "flash" the bios (ie: update it with better firmware) - he has the latest bios update, but the machine doesn't have a floppy drive (and neither does Rex - neither built-in nor USB nor personally).
So, what does a rational person do? Well, a rational person attempts to find answers from others who might know, probably from the Internet. And there are such people out there (yes, all five of you). However, most of the answers that you will receive are more useful for drunken cocktail humour than actual knowledgeable answers.
For example, Rex typed in "flash bios without a floppy drive" into his trusty search engine and, as expected, a plethora of discussions appeared using this very phrase, or something very close. And guess what he gets? Such responses as:
"Unless you know what you're doing don't flash your bios [dude] you could [like] totally [expletive] your computer [dude]"
Like, dude, that's like totally like, dude such a ... a ... a ... pass the joint, dude because I like totally like ... lost my ... dude ... like look at those fancy colours ... like ... oh yeah ... like totally ... oh, wait ... I'M TRYING TO GET TO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!
A Rex's Advice Moment - Sleep it off
Here's an alternate translation:
Like, you don't want to do that because that's what I do for a living and you'll put me out of business (my exclusive business of flashing bioses - I don't know how to do anything else).
Another Rex's Advice Moment - LEARN SOMETHING ELSE
Or you get a response that's something like:
"Only a complete tard doesn't know how to do that! Go and get some help because you're such a complete NOOOOB"
A Rex's Translation Moment - "I have no idea but I like to belittle people on the Internet because I don't know what to do with my life because I'm so disgruntled because I have a very small penis (microscopically small)"
And then there's the ever popular:
"This doesn't belong on this board because this board is especially dedicated to 'putting lipstick on ferrets' and not 'putting thigh-high stockings on ferrets' so take it somewhere else, you pervert!"
A Rex's Reaction Moment - "I prefer squirrels - can you at least direct me, vaguely, in the right direction?"
But let's not forget the most famous useless response:
"It's all right here: www.deadlink.com/booting/c480BC/etchedinstone.html"
or (with regards to flashing the bios without a floppy drive):
"It's all right here: www.netrap.com/flashing/bios/fromfloppy.html"
So, to conclude - human race: do one simple thing ... THINK. Attempt to help your fellow man. Recognize that you are actually really stupid and try to impart the less stupid parts of yourself onto your fellow man (or woman - another Rex rant to follow on that).
The truth is Rex and I are convinced that Internet discussion boards are simply a room full of chimps randomly attempting to type Shakespeare and coming up with this useless crap. Or a room full of (or several rooms of one) drug-fucked would-be raster(s) who shouldn't be contemplating complex technological questions, but should be wondering if ants dream of candy canes (which Rex admits is a serious question).
But, most of them are useless, self-absorbed assholes who feel that their existence can only be justified by ranting abuse at those who genuinely want to learn because they have such intimate knowledge of computers and the Internet because they dabble with them in between shifts at the Dairy Queen (registered trademark of Dairy Queen - www.dairyqueen.com) and once got a two day data entry job at the local dentist.
These are the people that rant "yew are stoopud - onlie a nooob would ask such a noooby nooob kwestun, yew nooob!" They are as ugly as Frank Zappa after a sex change, five quarts of vodka and a tab of acid, have the vocabulary of a three year old and the IQ of a turnip and only use the pages of the dictionary to clean up after an Internet / self-flagellation session.
In the interest of the universal spirit of intellectual cooperation that the Arpanet was developed with a hope toward (and, yes you "nooob", you are an ignorant moron and should probably look up the history of this medium that you're abusing)
Anyway, here are:
Rex's Rules for Internet Cooperation:
1 - If you don't know the answer and only have an opinion then don't answer (get a blog - hey, try blogger.com)
2 - If you think you know the answer (and even if you're 100% positive) RESEARCH IT FIRST (before actually proving to the world that you're an arrogant, know-it-all, but ignorant asshole)
3 - You're stupid! (assume that - even if you've recently won a Nobel Prize. Always "quote" and [reference] in your response)
4 - Answer the Question! "why would you want to do that?" is not a legitimate answer to "how can I flash my bios without a floppy drive" If you can't answer the question then shut the fuck up (or reserve such comments to your blog - refer to rule 1) or go to night class the learn the difference between "can I have people's opinion on..." and "what is the answer to...".
5 - Don't be an asshole. You will be in their shoes one day (refer to www.solipsology.com) |
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